ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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