life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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