My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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