Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
