Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
