My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
