so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
