I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
