I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
