Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A bitchslap is in order.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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