You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
