we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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