you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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