I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the condom got lost in my hair
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
