The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
