Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
