I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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