is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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