I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
