I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
