Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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