A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
