Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
