you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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