Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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