everyone is single if you try hard enough
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
