Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
