I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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