Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
