Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
