You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
