Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
