If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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