So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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