I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't turn off my feet"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
