I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Two words: blizzard sex
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
