cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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