'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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