drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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