my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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