she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
