There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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