Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
