Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
