Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
