how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
