i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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