Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
