areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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