if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
