My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
