soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
