it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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