No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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