"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drake has all the answers
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