I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
