My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
