Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
