If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
