Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The adults are the big ones right?
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