I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
